Can you be friends with an ex - especially in an Ethical Non-Monogamy context?
- Wendy Rosa
- Oct 10
- 5 min read
“When Alex and Jordan ended their romantic relationship, they didn’t just separate as partners - they shared a weekly board-games group, two mutual partners, and a tight-knit friend circle. Going no-contact wasn’t just impractical; it would have affected everyone else too.”
Breakups are already complicated. Throw in non-monogamy, multiple emotional bonds, evolving boundaries, and divergent expectations, and the question “Can I still be friends with my ex?” becomes even more nuanced.
As an ENM therapist, I often see people wrestling not just with loss, but with how to redefine relational connections. Here’s how I approach that question, what I encourage clients to consider, and guidelines for doing it (or choosing not to).
Table of content
Why this question comes up more often in ENM / consensual non-monogamy
Overlapping networks: In ENM relationships, people often share social circles, mutual partners, or even meta-relationships. Cutting off all contact may ripple into other relationships in unexpected ways.
Valuing connection beyond romance: Many people in ENM frameworks already subscribe to the idea that love, care, intimacy, and emotional closeness are not limited to “partner or nothing.” This mindset can make a post-romantic friendship more conceivable.
Fluid boundaries: ENM often involves ongoing boundary negotiation. That lexicon and experience of boundary work can sometimes make transitioning from romance to friendship more feasible (for those who are open to it).
Emotional safety: But the complexity also means there’s more scope for overlapping hurt, jealousy, confusion, and misaligned expectations.
So, the question is especially rich (and also risky) in this space.
Key considerations and red flags
Before attempting friendship, it's vital to check in with yourself, your ex, and your standards.
Here are things to weigh:
1. Emotional safety and healing time
Even in monogamous relationships, therapists often advise an initial period of no or minimal contact to allow the wounds to settle. The same is true here. If feelings are still raw, if one or both of you aren’t yet ready to see the other without hope of reconciliation or resentment, friendship may feel tenuous and unstable.
2. Power imbalances, betrayal, or unresolved issues
If the relationship included deceit, abuse, or significant betrayal, lingering wounds can make a friendship toxic or emotionally harmful. There must be (or become) genuine accountability, repair, and trust before any friendship is viable.
3. Clarity of boundaries
One of the biggest pitfalls is being unclear about what “friendship” will look like:
Are romantic or sexual contact off-limits? (If so, when, in what contexts?)
Will you talk about dating other people? Under what terms?
Will you still attend the same social events (especially given shared networks)?
Are there topics you agree to avoid (e.g. critiques of the breakup, regrets, comparing partners)?
How frequently or deeply will you “process” life events together?
You and your ex must co-define the boundary map, ideally in writing or via explicit agreement, and revisit it periodically.
4. Reciprocity & emotional labour
Friendships require give and take. If one person continues to carry romantic hopes, or finds themselves doing more emotional labour, it becomes imbalanced and unfair. It’s critical to be realistic about whether both people can invest in “just friendship” equally.
5. Internal motivations and emotional honesty
Sometimes people desire friendship with an ex as a way to stay “close enough,” to avoid grief, or out of fear of losing social capital. It’s helpful to do internal reflection (or therapy) on:
“Why do I want this?”
“Can I face loss or change without this ongoing connection?”
“Does staying friends serve my healing or stall it?”
If the motivation is avoidance of pain, that's a red flag.
A guideline process for transitioning (if both agree)
If both parties are genuinely interested and willing, here’s a scaffolded approach:
Pause & space
Give yourselves a defined period of limited or no contact (weeks or months). Use that time to grieve, self-reflect, and emotionally reset.
Check-in conversation(s)
After cooling-off, have one or more honest conversations about intentions, fears, boundaries, expectations, and what each of you needs. Use “I” statements and assume each person has legitimacy to their emotions.
Create boundary agreements
Document what is open, what is off-limits, what is tentative (requires checking in), and how you’ll handle violations. For example:
“We won’t talk about new romantic pursuits for three months.”
“We won’t stay overnight at each other’s homes.”
“If one of us wants to pause contact for a while, we’ll respect that without guilt.”
Redefine connection rituals
Old romantic patterns (e.g. late-night texts) may not translate well. Instead, create new patterns of friendship (e.g. coffee meetups, shared hobbies, check-ins like any close friend). This helps break the emotional loop of “we were intimate, so we should still connect that way.”
Check in often, pivot if needed
At regular intervals, ask:
Is this friendship still serving each of us?
Are we slipping into old relational scripts?
Are boundaries being honoured?
Are we hurting each other unintentionally?
If the friendship causes more pain, it’s okay to pause or end it.
Support systems beyond the ex
Maintain a life of diverse support - friends, therapist, communities - so you don’t lean on the ex as your only emotional anchor.
When choosing not to be friends is the healthiest choice
Sometimes, despite care and goodwill, attempting friendship is harmful. Some reasons include:
The emotional wounds are too fresh or deep.
One person still desires romantic reconciliation in a way the other doesn’t.
Conflicting new partners are uncomfortable or conversations become secretive.
One or both people are in a vulnerable mental/emotional state that makes closeness risky.
The friendship becomes co-dependent, emotionally enmeshed, or burdensome.
And that’s okay. Choosing separation can be an act of self-care, growth, and respect. Sometimes you love someone deeply - and still need to let go for your well-being.
Special ENM-relevant reflections & tips
Communal partners & metamours
In ENM settings, your ex may share metamours or partners. Navigating these intersections calls for extra clarity: how will your friendship show up in those shared spaces? Will there be disclosure or coordination about new partners?
Jealousy & comparison
Seeing your ex with new partners may sting more, especially as you’re both on non-monogamous paths. You’ll both need to continually manage emotions, check in, and respect boundaries about what you share or don’t.
Plural relational energy
You may already have multiple relationships; one ex-friendship is one more asset in your relational matrix. Treat it with intention and energetic fairness, not as a fallback or default.
Evolution of the friendship
Over time, your emotional needs, desires, or relationship configurations may shift (new partners, geographic distance, life stage). Be open to renegotiating or pausing the friendship as life changes.
In summary (from an ENM-therapist lens)
Yes - in many cases, it is possible to be friends with an ex, even deeply so. But it’s rarely simple, and it isn’t always advisable. The success of doing so depends on:
having healed sufficiently (or doing your healing)
honest and ongoing communication
clear boundaries and mutual respect
a shared willingness to prioritise emotional safety
flexibility to step back if it becomes too painful
As you walk this path, remember: one relational structure doesn’t fit all. What matters is whether the new form of connection feels balanced and respectful to all people involved.
