"I need resentment rehab!"

Ross has expressed multiple times that they need more compliments and affection. Dom listens but keeps saying they are not good with words and that Ross should know they care about them without having to say it 'all the time'.

Ross starts to feel less valued and disappointed. The lack of change in Dom's behaviour deepens Ross' feelings of neglect and they start to emotionally distance themselves from Dom.

Resentment is like a lingering feeling of bitterness, anger, or discontentment that develops over time due to unresolved issues, unmet needs, or perceived injustices.

It often stems from unexpressed emotions, unfulfilled expectations, or a sense of being wronged.

How to notice it, what causes it, and how to prevent it?

How to notice it?

Lingering negative emotions - e.g., feeling frustrated when your partner leaves the mental load of life admin on your plate

Avoidance or distancing - e.g., you don't bring up a certain topic because you don't have the energy to have the same conversation over and over again

Repetitive thoughts - e.g., constantly replaying a situation in your mind that caused hurt

Passive-aggressive behaviour - e.g., saying you are "fine" but showing through your body language that you are far from fine

Difficulty forgiving - e.g., not being able to get past something your partner said, and they apologised for

Comparisons and envy - e.g., comparing yourself to another special person in your partners life

Lack of empathy - e.g., having a hard time understanding the perspective of your partner

Unrealistic expectations - e.g., expecting your partner to 'just know' how you are feeling without actually telling them

What prevents it?

Active listening and regular check-ins - e.g., asking your partner "What did I do this week to make you feel loved?" If they didn't feel it, ask "What can I do to make you feel loved?"

Don't let issues linger - e.g., address things that bother you and don't let it become a source of deep seated resentment

Set boundaries - e.g., "I would like to have 30 minutes to decompress when I come home from work. It helps me to unwind and be more present with you."

Express gratitude - e.g., express appreciation and fondness for your partners efforts, contributions, and being who they are

Practice forgiveness - e.g., people mess up; let your partner mess up and focus on learning and growing together from it

Seek professional help - e.g., the guidance and support of a counsellor offers ways to strengthen your relationship when you feel resentment is taking over

What causes it?

Lack of appreciation - e.g., having the extra efforts partners do for each other not being noticed

Unmet expectations - e.g., expecting your partner to always be available whenever you need them

Communication breakdowns - e.g., not feeling heard or actually listened to

Unresolved conflicts - e.g., acting as if a conflict didn't happen and just carry on

Perceived inequality - e.g., feeling that your partner prioritises their social needs with friends/partner(s) over spending time with you

Betrayal of trust - e.g., partners breaking agreements

Emotional withholding - e.g., partners withholding emotional intimacy, affection, or support

Actionable relationship tip

Proactively addressing any hint of resentment in your relationship(s) is a powerful way to keep the love and understanding vibe strong. Try the following prompts:

1. Go over the 3 lists (how resentment shows up, the causes, and antidotes). Write down what resonates with you. Add what is important but not mentioned in the list.

2. Take turns in talking about what resonated. Approach this with sensitivity, empathy, and a genuine desire to understand. Be caring to each other, the goal of this exercise is to address unmet needs, frustrations, and pain points.

3. Decide together on one item that you can work on weekly to reduce feelings of discontentment/ bitterness/ frustration.

*This story is fictional. It’s not based on any real person or client. It’s simply one example of the kinds of experiences people might go through in life. Any similarities to actual people are purely a coincidence.