De-escalation or separation?

Ethan and Olivia are struggling in their relationship and are at a point where they are not sure they want to continue being intimate partners and live together. Mono­ normativity would suggest ending the relationship and transition to separate lives. By removing this cultural paradigm, they however have another option, which is de­-escalation*

De-escalation

Involves actively working to reduce tension, conflict, or negativity within the relationship by focusing on finding solutions, compromises, or adjustments that allow the relationship to continue in a healthier and more harmonious manner.

Examples, de-escalate from lover to co-parent living or not living together, no longer having a kink dynamic or no longer living together while maintaining the emotional and sexual relationship.

Separation

Involves making the decision to end the relationship and allow each other to move forward independently.

Examples, staying legally married/de facto but not having an emotional or sexual relationship or live together, divorce (legal separation).

By opening up to the option of de-escalating we are able to customise our commitments and boundaries regarding the important people in our lives. We allow our connections (love, friendship) to be as unique as the people we are in them with.

Starting the Conversation: A Gentle Guide

A good discussion to have about de-escalation could involve exploring each other's thoughts and feelings about the possibility of adjusting the dynamics of your relationship. Here are some prompts to consider:

Understanding Perspectives: Start by sharing your individual perspectives on what de-escalation means to each of you.

Current Relationship Dynamics: Reflect on the current state of your relationship.

Discuss any challenges or areas of tension you've noticed and whether you both feel satisfied with the way things are progressing.

Reasons for De-escalation: Explore the reasons why either or both of you would de-escalate. Is it due to conflicts, changing life circumstances, personal growth, or other factors? Understanding the motivations behind the desire for change is crucial.

Desired Outcomes: Share your hopes and expectations for the relationship moving forward.

Discuss what you envision for the future.

Communication and Boundaries: Talk about how you can maintain open and honest communication throughout the de-escalation process. Discuss boundaries, needs, and expectations that would make both partners feel respected and supported.

Seeking Support: Discuss the possibility of seeking support from a therapist or counsellor, either individually or as a couple.

Remember, the aim of this conversation is to approach the topic with empathy, understanding, and open-mindedness.

*This story is fictional. It’s not based on any real person or client. It’s simply one example of the kinds of experiences people might go through in life. Any similarities to actual people are purely a coincidence.